I’ve noted before that our world is increasingly split down the middle, with folks on the right experiencing one version of reality, and those on the left experiencing another. This is because—unlike fifty years ago—news outlets today communicate two entirely opposite versions of current events.
It’s not so much that one side is lying and one telling the truth. It’s all about how a particular story is spun. If you’re a biased reporter, you can make literally anything sound good, or awful, depending on how you spin it. And these days most all reporters are biased.
To test this theory, I decided to imagine how a New York Times writer, for example, might report on the teachings of Jesus in Galilee, during the first century AD. While most today would consider America’s values to be heavily influenced by the admonishments of the Lamb of God, a New York Times reporter—if one had existed back then—might have given the whole story a very different twist.
VAGRANT CREATES CHAOS, RUINS MULTIPLE INDUSTRIES, ENCOURAGES MASOCHISM AND IDLENESS
His followers call Him Christ Jesus, but they might equally call Him a plague upon the land. Everywhere He goes He brings trouble. [Editor’s note: We’re capitalizing Him/He in this article because if we don’t, the papyrus we’re writing on bursts into flames for some reason. SMH.]
In one recent incident, bakers, fisherman, and vintners suffered massive economic loss when Jesus undercut the fair prices for goods, and proceeded to give out for free what these hard-working laborers relied on to provide for their families.
“It was awful, said Eliyah, a local vineyard owner and distiller of wine in Nazarela. “For an entire 24 hours, I made not a single sale. Jesus was turning water into wine, and giving it out for free. How am I supposed to compete with that? How am I going to feed my children, when unfair economic warfare of this kind is allowed?”
Chaim, a local baker, was equally disadvantaged. “I had a nice business going, in a nice town, and everyone was happy,” he explained. “Then Jesus came along, bought one of my loaves, and turned it into 10,000 loaves, which he—I’m not making this up—simply gave away for free to everyone. It completely upended the local economy and has caused suffering for so many of us tradespeople who are just trying to make a living.”
Similar sentiments were echoed by Amos, Executive Director of the local Fisherman’s Guild. “This itinerant preacher came into Nazarela and at first everything seemed fine. He bought a fish. Great. Nothing wrong with that. But it’s what happened next that caused all the problems. He took that one fish and turned it into 20,000 fish. The villagers are still eating these fish, and our members haven’t sold so much as a sole sole since that time. Don’t our anti-dumping laws mean anything? Don’t the authorities care about an economic disaster of this magnitude?”
But Jesus didn’t stop there. No, ruining the local economy was apparently just a warm up exercise. Later he climbed up on a nearby hill and started preaching what many in the audience described as S&M craziness. “When someone slaps you on the right cheek, turn the other cheek, so as to be hit again,” he implored the masses. While the audience was puzzled, most understood this as a call to enjoy pain, and to welcome suffering. Not all were enthusiastic about the message.
“Bloody hell,” said Yitzhak, a local martial arts instructor. “You call that a self-defense technique? If I were on that mount, I’d be saying: “If someone slaps you on the right cheek, kick the crap of them. That’s how we do things at my dojo.”
Jesus’ disruptive cultural admonishments continued. Among other things, he also recommended that one “love their enemies.”
“Bad idea,” noted Judah, head of the local militia unit. “Very bad idea. In my outfit, we recommend killing your enemies. Of course maybe I misunderstood. Maybe Jesus meant to love your enemies after you kill them. Meaning—you love the fact that they’re dead. Something like that could make sense.”
Another disruptive lesson was that people should not worry excessively over their material needs.
The wife of one of those in the audience was willing to be interviewed anonymously. “It’s madness,” she said. “I have the devil of a time getting my husband’s lazy ass out of bed as it is. The only way I can motivate him is to remind him that we’re all going to starve if he doesn’t earn some money. Now Jesus is essentially telling him not to worry about that? It’s outrageous! I mean it’s fine when Jesus is handing out bread and fish, but no one’s going to be handing them out once He’s gone, so what are we supposed to do then? Jesus seems to be suggesting that idleness is a virtue.”
Finally, the traveling vagrant encouraged His followers to rise above base instincts and put aside anger, lust, divorce, and revenge. Yet that made little sense to most in the audience.
Shimon, a local blacksmith, shared these thoughts. “I don’t get it. My neighbor lusted after my wife and had an affair with her, so I divorced her, and now I’m filled with anger towards both of them, and am plotting a very satisfying revenge. You’re telling me I’m not supposed to seek revenge? WTF?”
After completely upending both the economy, and most cultural traditions in Nazarela, Jesus and his followers finally left, leaving chaos in their wake.
Asher, the mayor, put into words what most of the town was thinking: “Disinformation. It was all disinformation,” he observed. “And most of it was just one big conspiracy theory. Everything Jesus said clearly violates our community standards. His right to address the public again, from that hill, is being suspended for thirty days.”
Jacques Voorhees 