| This year it went to a man |
So it seems a dude won this year’s Woman of Courage award on International Women’s Day. I think we can all admit it required a fair amount of courage for a guy to even enter that competition. Took a lot of balls, to be honest. Well, ‘er, you know what I mean.
So the “courage” part was definitely warranted. But forgive me if I entertain the fantasy that just as America’s First Lady (a real one, best I can tell) and Secretary of State Tony Blinken (who apparently couldn’t find anything more important happening on the world stage) were handing over the award, a biologist in a lab coat, heavy black glasses, and a clipboard comes racing in…
“Hold on, hold on! I’m a biologist, and I’ve determined conclusively that this person is actually not a woman.”
[awkward moment while the ceremony pauses]
First Lady: “Sounds like disinformation to me. Has this been approved by our new Ministry of Truth?”
“Ma’am, I’m just a biologist. Our new Supreme Court justice sent me over.”
SecState: “SCOTUS has no jurisdiction in these proceedings.”
Biologist: “Mr. Secretary, that’s above my paygrade. I’m just here to let everyone know that the person you’re about to give the International Women’s Courage Award to isn’t a woman.”
The would-be winner begins to sniffle. “I’m… I’m… so humiliated!”
Jill leans over and whispers. “Suck it up, buttercup. Where’s all that courage you’re supposed to have?”
Women in the audience, real ones, see that the emperor has been called out as having no clothes, and shouting begins.
“Hey, that biologist is right! We all know this guy isn’t a woman!”
“I wasn’t going to say anything, but thank God a biologist arrived to sort this out.”
“So can we all quit pretending now and go home? This is the stupidest ceremony I’ve ever been forced to attend!”
Suddenly Admiral Rachael Levine walks up on the stage in full uniform, clearly meaning business and grabs the microphone. “I represent the full weight and majesty of the United States military. I’ve already ordered a deployment of three carrier groups plus their fighter wings to provide whatever support’s needed to ensure this ceremony proceeds without further interruption.”
Blinken finally loses it. “Oh, for Chrissake, Rachael. You’re not a real admiral and despite your pretend uniform, you don’t actually command any ships. You’re just a pompous health department bureaucrat. Carrier groups, my ass. The only military engagement you ever won would be the Battle of the Bulge. You know, the one between your legs.”
“Stuff it, Tony. I’ve actually got plenty of questions about your own preferences, so best keep your head down.”
Jill, seeking to bring the whole nightmare to a quick end, calls out loudly to the audience. “OK, everyone, OK. Please just calm down. We’re almost finished here. The judges have already bestowed this award. We’re just formally handing it over.”
But another voice from the audience calls out. “No way! The winner of the award has been outed as a man. The biologist has spoken!”
“Yeah,” says another. “This is like finding out that Lance Armstrong actually DID use drugs! The award’s invalid!”
Jill walks firmly to the center of the stage. “Fine!” she calls out, losing her patience. “As master of ceremonies, I hereby bestow this stupid award on MYSELF. I’m sure as hell a freakin’ woman. And it took one helluva lot of courage—let me tell you—to try to go through with this ridiculous event. If anyone deserves a medal, it’s ME!” The first lady quickly drapes the ribbon and medallion over her own neck. “Everyone SATISFIED now!”
Enthusiastic applause breaks out.
The would be winner is still on stage, now sobbing in humiliation. Blinken leans over. “Sorry it didn’t work out, brave one. But with all that courage, maybe go sign up for Seal Team Six or something.”
The courageous would-be woman pulls back her fist and sucker-punches the Secretary of State in the stomach, who doubles over in pain “Well here’s some advice for you, Blinken. How about returning to Afghanistan and trying to get back the $90b in military equipment you left the Taliban terrorists? That might be a heck of a lot more useful than apologizing for Chinese weather balloons every day!”
Suddenly Donald Trump races up on stage. “Hold on everyone. I just purchased this event and we’re going to rename it the Miss Courageous World Pageant. I’m moving it to Atlantic City and next year it will start with the bikini competition. I believe in transparency, and nothing says transparency like a skimpy bikini. I bet that’s going to weed-out most guys right from the beginning. You know, unless they’ve REALLY got courage…”
Jacques Voorhees 